Dear Jasmine,
My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were kids, we recently started dating roughly four years ago. We are 24 years old and everyone says we a are a great couple, we are extremely compatible, and are each others best friends.
So what is the next step: marriage. But not with him. He isn’t ready to get married. I am extremely offended by this, we are in love, we are compatible, we plan for our future, yet he isn’t sure enough to marry me. All my friends are getting married- it is shameful for me.
They all say that we should, and we have known each other forever. My four best friends are all getting married to men they have dated less than two years. When I ask them how are they sure, they all say the same thing, “when you in love, you are sure”.
I am in love, I am sure but my boyfriend isn’t. So I am thinking of leaving. If my 15 years of friendship and last four years living together hasn’t taken its effect, than maybe it is a lost cause. Maybe I am wasting my own time. I see our small window of opportunity closing in for us to have a romantic engagement.
It has gotten to the point where we fight about it constantly. He says that he is not ready, I say well then that I am leaving, but in reality I don’t want to threaten him into marrying me, that is not romantic!
Lately we have just been hostile towards each other, and we are committed to going to all my friends weddings together and its miserable to watch all my friends in happiness and me be so self conscious about my boyfriend.
Why doesn’t he want to marry me? He says it is because he wants to own a house and have a better job when he walks down the alter. Those are his reasons. I am tired of fighting over it, it has ruined everything, I don’t want to win. I just want him to feel the same way. I want him to want to marry m e like I want to marry him. I have one foot out the door, I am basically waiting for your response on what to do.
Josephina
Henderson, NV
Dear Josephina,
I think that it is important for you to realize that you never want to force a guy to propose to you or to marry you. I think you realize that as well but the feeling you have of wanting to get married is so strong that I think you have overlooked a lot of things. First of all, 24 years old is still relatively young. I understand that you have known each other a very long time and have an established relationship, but I don’t think you need to get married now.
I know it is hard not to compare yourself with your many friends that are getting married and it is a very common feeling to have. What you have to try to focus on is that not everyone follows the same timeline. Everyone lives their lives differently and reaches certain points in their life when they are ready.
What I mean is, I think his concerns about having a stable job and buying a house is reasonable before he got married. I assume he is working towards it right now so why not just get engaged? I think it is important for you to feel as if he wants to marry you when he is stable enough and want that commitment from him but in his mind, he probably thinks as soon as you get engaged, you will have to get married soon.
Perhaps compromise with him and let him know that you just want to know that he does want to marry you and that even if you got engaged, it doesn’t mean that you have to get married right away. Some people take a long time to plan a wedding. I mean realistically speaking, wedding planning takes a very long time but guys may not understand that.
I suggest you talk to him about it in a reasonable and rational way. If he still is giving excuses even though you are okay with a long engagement, then perhaps it is time for you to find someone who is truly ready to commitment themselves to you fully. Because when it comes down to a commitment to marriage, it is a commitment to make one another happy and if he cannot commit to that, then as hard as it is to let go, it is harder to hang on.
I hope all turns well for you, but just one rule of thumb, don’t force it. If you want that romantic proposal, this is definitely not the way to get it. If you have to fight so hard for it, maybe it is better to let go while you are still young. You want to marry someone who wants to marry you, not someone who is forced into marrying you for the fear of losing you at that moment. If you cannot wait for him to get his career and goals on track before you marry, and he doesn’t want to compromise with a long engagement, then save yourself the prolong pain of staying in this relationship. Good luck.
Always here,
Jasmine