Dear Jasmine,
When I was younger, teen years, I had this boyfriend that I was friends with, and we were like best friends. We began dating a few years later and some confrontations came up with my parents and him, which ended very poorly. We got into some trouble as kids so my father forbade me to see the boy ever again. Eventually we moved cities and my parents refused to let us see each other.
My parents blame my troubles as a teen on him, when in reality, I was looking for trouble like any other teenager and I would have gotten into something with or without him. Well, I moved away, and I began dating other men, but he was always in the back of my mind. I got pretty serious with this one boy and we became engaged. The entire time we were together, almost five years, I always thought of my first love, and I would always secretly compare the two.
As the date approached for our wedding I started getting really irritable towards my fiancé and causing useless fights and arguments. I then figured it was my way to back out, I wanted to give it another try with my first love. My parents weren’t in the main picture anymore, as I am an adult and go to college far away anyways. Luckily we had maintained loose connections and I met up with him for a vacation. We had a blast, like no time had ever past between us.
Upon my arrival back home I explained to my fiancé I needed some time to think things through, and we split, well I split. I packed my bags, and moved to where my first love is and rented a house he soon moved into. We have been together almost a year now and we are as happy as can be. We love each other so much and our lives seem complete, except, my parents.
I forget my parents still hold a grudge and are so quick to jump on the situation of us being together I am now afraid to bring it up.
I want to be able to spend Christmas together and have a wedding everyone can attend, but I am afraid my parents will freak, they hated him, and for all the wrong reasons. Now I have been living with him for almost a year, and they have came to visit, and we just hide him and all his belongings, and I pretend I live with a roommate who they don’t even know.Lately I feel like I want them to know about us, I want us all to be able to do things together. My parents are here in town this week, and I will be returning home with them for the holidays, and I want to tell them, but we have been getting along so well lately, I don’t want to ruin it. I love my parents, and want their approval, but I love my boyfriend as well. It’s a hard call, that is why I need your help, what do I tell them, how, and what if they don’t approve?
Jackie A.
Las Vegas, NV
Dear Jackie,
It is very apparent you long for the approval of your parents, probably not only in your relationship with others but in all aspects of your life. While it is nice to have your parents approval, it is almost impossible to get their approval all the time. You can not live your life waiting on the approval of your parents on everything you do in your life.
Your parents dislike your current fiancé because of something that happened when you guys were teenagers. I don’t know exactly what trouble you to got into back then, but I assume that you guys are no longer getting into the same troubles at all. For you to leave your former fiancé for this guy, says a lot. You are head over heels for this guy. If your current fiancé treats you well and things are going great for you guys, that is what should be important. Not something that happened years ago when you were just a teenager.
You need to explain this to your parents, instead of hiding your current fiancé. There is no reason your parents should hold onto the grudge they have for this guy if you guys have been doing so well for so long and he treats you well. They should be happy for you. Of course, I know that sometimes parents can be somewhat unreasonable about certain things, but there is nothing more you can do other then explain to them how happy you are with your current fiancé now and just how well he treats you.
Make sure to listen to your parents and hear what they say. If they voice disapproval for some reason, talk it out with them. Let them know what is going on, because the longer you hide this from them, it will probably only cause them to be more angry that you have been lying to them. Come clean, tell them what has been going on. Let them know how much anxiety this has caused you and how much you just want to be happy.
Let your parents know how much their opinion counts and how much you want them to be a part of your life and everything good that comes out of it, which now includes your current fiancé.
If after you tell your parents and they still do not approve right now, they may still need some time to absorb all this information. Give them time. Don’t force this upon them. Even if they never accept it, you need to remember what is most important: You. Don’t let your parents’ disapproval ruin your happiness. You need to start living your life for yourself and the most important person’s approval you should seek is yourself.
Always here,
Jasmine
