Dear Jasmine,
One weekend at a friend’s party a friend got extremely drunk and later discovered that she performed oral sex on one of my good married guy friends who I’ve known for the past 12 years. The two of them were found in this compromising position by my soon to be brother-in-law that was visiting that weekend. We tried to keep it hush because I personally didn’t know how to handle the situation.
Later when I talked to my drunken friend she said she didn’t remember the evening at all and if it did happen she assumed responsibility and was very shameful. She approached the guy and he denied it and accused every one of lying and trying to destroy his life. He even called me to rant and rave about how he couldn’t believe that I would compromise our friendship by spreading that lie.
I assured him that I hadn’t said anything because (1) he’s married with a baby on the way, and (2) I wasn’t there and it’s not my business. My fiancée’ now despises this guy and doesn’t want me to interact with him or his wife at all. I received a baby shower invitation from he and his wife, who happens to be a good acquaintance as well.
Does this warrant our friendship to be over? Shall I continue this friendship at a distance? I don’t want to interfere with his life, but I definitely don’t condone actions on that weekend which he continues to deny.
Friendship in limbo,
Gina
San Francisco, CA
Dear Gina,
If your friend did indeed cheat on his wife, there are plenty of reasons why he is trying to deny it. He doesn’t want to lose his wife. What you have to consider now is if you can trust your friend. If your instincts tell you that you can’t then I would suggest for you to continue your friendship at a distance. It is really up to you whether or not you want to end your friendship with this guy but don’t let the deciding factor be your fiancée.
Make this decision on your own and don’t let your fiancée tell you who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. What you have to remember is that your not going to approve of everything your friends do in their life but you do have the choice to weigh in situation like these and the value of your friendship.
If he has been a good friend to you for many years and you don’t want to throw away this friendship, I see no problem with approaching your friendship with him with caution, now that you know what he is capable of. Just keep in mind that you won’t always condone the actions of your friends, family, etc but that doesn’t make them a bad person. I mean in this instance, your friend is obviously wrong, but you cannot control how other live their life, just like you wouldn’t want your friends to tell you how to live yours.
As a friend, all you can really do is let them know how you feel and accept them for their good qualities, as well as their bad. There is a fine line where one will overstep their boundaries and it is essentially up to you how much this friendship has meant to you.
Always here,
Jasmine
