my advice now – need advice?

Dear Jasmine,

My main issue is that my future Mother-In-Law because she is so immature! I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now and we are planning on getting engaged really soon and are in the process of house hunting. I used to get along with his family really well until my birthday last summer.

We had a BBQ at our house with our friends and family and it was a really fun time. His sister showed up and started making ignorant comments to our friends and made people feel really uncomfortable. When my boyfriend brought it up with his mother later on, she told his sister that I was mad at her. It is just one big immature mess but it is driving me nuts.

His mother sat there and yelled at me one day for not hanging out with his sister and not inviting her out with my friends. I told her that none of my friends like her because she is so spoiled and so rude to them. I will not put my friends through that just so that I can baby-sit her! There have been many other small incidents that have popped up between then and now and they are more like fuel for the fire.

On New Year’s Day we went to his parents house for dinner. I decided that I was going to try and make an effort talk to his sister. She was sitting in the computer room pouting, as her boyfriend had just broke up with her. I went in there and asked her how she was doing and she just turned from the computer and told me to leave because she is trying to write an email. I told her that if she needed to talk, I was here.

She just rolled her eyes and closed the door behind me. In January, I threw a surprise party for my boyfriend for his birthday. It was a couple of days earlier for the sake of it being a surprise. I originally planned on having it at his parents house but had to change it to my parents house as he made it very clear after New Year’s Day that he would never be convinced to go over to his parents house again. Every time he has gone without talking to his parents for a while, I convince him to go over and have a visit no matter how short it may be.
His parents showed up almost 3 hours later and then never said one word to my boyfriend or myself. On his birthday his mother left a message on our voice mail at 11:00 pm saying “ love you even though you don’t think that I do. Happy birthday. I just wish that you would quit what you are doing”. Then she called the next day and left another ignorant message about him not calling her on his birthday.

I am sorry but it was 11 pm and we were sleeping due to the fact that we had to work the next day. If he tries to confront his parents about this immature battle, they yell at him and hang up on him. They treat his sister like she is the queen. Based on what I have told you, what do you suggest our next move is? I must make a not also that this has not caused any rift between my boyfriend and I, we have stood united since day one as we seem to be the only ones with some sort of a maturity level. Please Help!

Janine N.
Calgary, AB, Canada

Dear Janine,

It is great that you and your boyfriend have not let this come between the two of you and that you two are able to understand what is going on. You are more likely right on the money when you say that his sister will probably never change. More likely, your boyfriend’s mother won’t be changing any time soon either. Every family has its quirks and when it comes down it, parents expect siblings to get along despite it.

Your boyfriend’s sister may be a spoiled brat, and the parents probably know it, but the mere fact that they are siblings makes their parents think that nothing should come between them. His sister probably is upset with you because in her mind, you choose your friends over her, which is kind of silly because there is no reason why your friends should have to hang out with her.

I would suggest that if you want to mend things between you guys. You can hang out with his family, but strictly with his family and not include your friends. Perhaps it is best that you don’t have them interacting too much with each other because it caused so much trouble before. Next time you want to throw him a party, do it with just your friends and maybe have a family dinner another time.

It may take some time for things to be forgotten, but I don’t think you and your boyfriend are being very mature about it. Just remember, even though your going to marry into his family, doesn’t mean that everyone in his family will love you. As long as you and your boyfriend are doing fine, don’t let it get to you. Of course, you shouldn’t let him lose contact with his family over this, but you can’t control him, he is a grown man and can make his own decisions.

Always here,
Jasmine