Dear Jasmine,
I would like an objective opinion. But let me say first that my wife understands and mostly seems to agree with my side of this problem. By mostly I mean she supports me but won’t confront her mother because she detests confrontation. That is okay I guess but it leaves me alone and isolated.
The thing is that my in laws have friends that neither my wife nor I would have. They have morals that just don’t meet our standards. My wife would be first to tell you that. We limit our contact with them and her parents. But family is family to me and so I overlook most issues like that and have never let it come between my relations with them, and from the start was the good son in law helping, offering, and being there, whatever.
Their friends are very important to them, so much that my mother in law considers them to be a part of our family. One particular person has been a “family†friend for many years. He has recently offended me greatly and had been doing so for a while but I let it slide.
My morals are that when somebody has crossed the line, that I sever all contact. I back off and out and refuse to let such a person be part of my life. Perhaps you might see the problem already? While I was offended, no one else in the family was. See this person also had contacts into my work life and offended me there several times before I started warning him off, gently at first and then threw down the gauntlet by confronting him in front of my co-workers who were always witness to his slurs and insults.
So when I just couldn’t take it anymore, I let it be known to him and my in laws and immediate family that I’ve had it. Well his being a “part of the family†by my mother in law has created a gulf in our lives now. An insurmountable one if you ask me. Meaning she won’t talk to me or me her. I don’t need or want this person in our lives. And at first I tried to make it that way by including my son. He is 14 years old and likes to spend Saturday night at my in laws.
This friend who offended me comes over for coffee on Sunday morning at the in laws every Sunday morning early. I threatened to give my in laws a ultimatum about my son being there when this person was there, meaning I don’t want him there while that person is. I didn’t go through with it but did threaten to.
I am now black balled. They consider me completely wrong and unreasonable. They won’t come over and for now that seems fine, and I certainly won’t go over there. I won’t even answer the telephone because she has told my wife she hasn’t any idea what to say to me. I figured she could say I love you still even if I feel your wrong but I guess that is asking too much.
By the way they live within sight of our house across the lake we both live on. We were all kind of close before this for all these years and I respected them very much even if I did disagree with some of the things they do.
Now back to my son. I explained to him and my wife on the day of the problem what happened. I told him I didn’t want him there when that person was there. And at first met with a lot of resistance and was accused of being unfair and ridiculous. So after some thought, I told him and my wife then it was up to him, meaning my son. This person offended me greatly and I considered him a bad influence and I would very much appreciate if he could please respect that.
Being so young, he doesn’t understand I guess. But he does seem to respect my view. He has stayed away and doesn’t spend Saturday nights there anymore when that guy will be there for Sunday coffee. My mother in law hates me now and I am beginning to feel that way about her. She has told my wife that she has known this person longer than me so why should she not have this person come over when my son is there.
I hate this but I can’t let it go. Again, my son can go over whenever he wants, even if the friend is there, but he knows I don’t want him to. My mother in law is making sure she doesn’t have any contact with me, and vice versa. To me, family is family, and like it or not you must support each other in anything. Right or wrong, that is how I see everything.
I am becoming more and more angry with my mother in laws position. It is going to get ugly, as there are no more family outings, holidays together, etc. I have about had it. Any advice? Perhaps a helpful hint to any of us? I’d really appreciate your advice. I would even be willing to see a professional counselor, but
I bet that won’t help with my mother in law.She feels what she feels and to her I am wrong. Thank you in advance for any help, and for listening.
Brad C.
Shipshewana, IN
Dear Brad,
It is nice to see that you seem to want to work this problem out with your family. It seems that for the most part that you have respected your in-laws and have taken the position that everyone has their different morals. Even though you dislike this person so much, you shouldn’t let it affect your life as much as it has. I am not saying you should be friends with him or even have to see him.
What I am saying is that accept the fact that your in-laws want to maintain a relationship with them. You do not like him but you can’t expect others to not like him because you don’t. Everyone already knows why you don’t like him but yet they still want to choose to be his friend. Although you may not like it, you have to respect that even if you feel like they are betr7aying you by still being friends with him.
If you want to maintain a relationship with your in-laws, it doesn’t have to include this guy. You can just distance yourself when this guy is around so you won’t have to tolerate him. Your in-laws obviously value this guy very much so if you want to maintain a relationship with them, you will have to deal with this guy once in awhile.
I know you probably feel as if you were your in-laws that you would ditch this guy in a second. What you have to remind yourself again that everyone is different and not everyone reacts to situation the same way. Sure, you feel offended by your in-laws actions, but you have to realize they probably don’t feel as if they are doing anything wrong. Don’t give this guy the satisfaction of tearing apart your family by pushing your buttons.
If you want to distance yourself from this guy, stop making it into such a big deal because it will just make you look bad. Distance yourself from this guy and keep it to yourself and perhaps just your wife and son. Don’t make it into this huge issue that everyone has to choose a side to be on and create this rift in your family.
I don’t think you and your in-laws need to go to counseling for this but perhaps you can try to make amends with them. Let them know you would very much like to maintain a relationship with them because they are very important to you. But they need to respect how you feel and you need to respect how they feel. If they can’t respect how you feel, then maybe you need to distance yourself from them for a while because you are right. Family is important and if they don’t consider you to be important, they don’t consider you a part of their family.
You may just have to be the bigger person in this situation in order to keep the peace in your family. It can be really tough to do so but would you rather keep this relationship you have with them now? Or try to mend what you have life of your relationship with them. That is a decision you will have to make.
Always here,
Jasmine
