Dear Jasmine,
I am writing because I am involved with a lady who lives in another state. At the age of 58, we have both lost our spouses due to death. We clicked in so many ways. Things seemed great. She was even willing to move out and live with me.
Eventually we were engaged but I knew it would be awhile before she would get up the nerve to sell everything and move here. She has four kids and 2 of t hem live with her. After she moved here, everything was fine, expect for the fact that she never could do anything because her kids were always home.
During this time she started having health problem that no one else noticed but me. Things between us deteriorated and she broke the engagement. Shortly after that she went to the doctor to find out something was wrong with her parathyroid. That was in2003 and ever since it has been a rollercoaster ride. She wants me back there and then she doesn’t, wants to get married, then doesn’t, etc.
Since then she has been changing her mind constantly about being with me and what not. She even moved out here with me to prove she wanted to be with me and everything seem fine, until she changed her mind again. Now she just wants to be friends, I think we have reached a point where we just cant be friends anymore.
We both know we are good together, but this rollercoaster ride has driven me crazy. Some people say that we are more like friends with benefits and I hate the thought of it just being that. I really love her and want to marry her. I talked to my doctor about this and he said that she should check for hormone imbalances or chemical imbalances in the brain because of menopause and the parathyroid thing. I told her about it, but she refuses to do anything about it. Do you think I am wasting my time?
Tom D.
Wyoming, MI
Dear Tom,
In order for you two to come closer to working through your problems, she has to deal with her own problems first. I really don’t expect her to change at all if she refuses to see the doctor for her problems. So if she refuses to see the doctor, then I would think pursuing a relationship with her is a waste of your time.
How can you expect someone who doesn’t care for themselves to care for you? If she doesn’t even have the will to take care of herself, shows that she is selfish. She does not care what her condition is doing to her health and she certainly does not care how her unstable behavior is affecting her love ones.
You are on this rollercoaster because you refuse to get off and the truth is, you want to stick around and help her. I think you have done all that you can. She probably feels like she does not need to get the help because you will always be around so she feels comfortable with that. That is very selfish of her to do so and by sticking around you are just enabling it.
Let her know that you care for her and unless she gets the help, you two should not contact each other. The only reason you would stay in contact with her is because you want to be on this rollercoaster ride. In that case, I would say your sanity is going out the door. As hard as it is, you need to let go of this relationship if she doesn’t seek the help she needs because her behavior will just continue and nothing will ever change. Don’t put yourself through that type of abuse.
Always here,
Jasmine
