Dear Jasmine,
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. After the first 4 years he moved in with me and we have been living together for 3 years. That first Christmas living together as a couple we became engaged. So this year we would be engaged 3 years, with no signs of any wedding plans at all. I can clearly see, that he has no desire to marry me. I do not push the issue.
The last year or so, I have noticed a change in him. There is no romance anymore. He never use to mind when I came along to have a drink with him and his buddy but the last year or so it has become a death sentence for me to even mention going with him. He never gives up a Friday night with his buddy, no matter what’s going on the next day; he will not miss a Friday night.
I completely trusted him because we worked very hard on our relationship because we both went through bad first marriages. I never would of thought of him cheating on me because I truly believed we were past all that bologna and we found each other. Well I just got the shock of my life. There is no such thing as true love.
It does not exist, at least not for me. I started to notice things. His ex-girlfriend came back into his life about a year ago. Guess what, I am almost positive they are an item. He started wearing sexy underwear on Friday nights. He no longer smelled of booze or cigarettes when he came home on Fridays. I even noticed a hickey on his neck and of course he denied it.
She even aim’s him. She claims they are just really good friends and they just click as such. I recently received a letter in the mail telling me that he has been seeing another woman and all his friends which some are mutual friends of ours have kept this secret for over a year. The letter was sent anonymous and now I received a voice mail telling me that he is making a fool out of me and everyone knows it. Warning me that I should wake up and think about this very hard and asking me if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who wants to be with someone else.
I know he has been having sex with her. I could see this being a mistake just once and maybe guilt would set in but for over a year? This is a full-blown relationship. The problem is, his ex-girlfriend is married and her and her husband don’t get along and stay together for the kids and her parents who adore her husband. Please help me I am so confused.
I don’t know who to trust and who is lying. He denies everything and keeps telling me that someone is playing a cruel joke by sending me a letter and voicemail. He claims to love me, but how can he? We own 2 vehicles together and banking accounts. We are even looking for a home together. Why is he doing this to me? I have no own to turn to. I am surrounded by so called friends who really are a bunch of liars. I still love him and want to spend my life with him. Other then this problem, he is so good to me.
I want to work things out but I am unsure if he will stop seeing her. She is just not going away anytime soon. Is it possible that he loves us both? Am I the permanent one in his life and she is just a booty call. Do I back away and let her win? I loved him, cared for him, shared with him for 7 years. Those 7 years, she was not around. The reason they broke up 7 years ago was the fact that she cheated on him.
She even told me that she doesn’t have those feelings for him like she does with the other man and told me that she loved this other man. Now she is back and I feel like I have to compete for his love and affection. How can he go to a woman who treated him to badly years ago and hurt a woman who has been faithful and loving all this time? I want to put things behind us and move on. I don’t want this to destroy us. In the end she will destroy him.
She may have lured him and that’s’ wrong but what’s really wrong if the fact that he went. I know I am rattling on but I am so heart broken and I can’t believe this is happening to me, to us.
Irene K.
Chicago, IL
Dear Irene,
The only way for you to win in this situation is to leave your boyfriend. As hard as it may be, you are wrong about not finding true love. You can find true love but it won’t be with your cheating boyfriend. You two had 7 years together that your boyfriend just threw out the door by cheating on you. It doesn’t matter with who or when or whatever, the fact is he cheated on you and is continuing to lie to you about it.
Doesn’t matter how he treats you when he is not cheating on you, he is cheating on you and that is terrible. You should never have to compete for your boyfriends love, and the sooner you get rid of this guy and move on from this relationship, the sooner you can find out that is true. You have seen that his lies have not only started with him but with your friends whom you trusted. It is time for you to leave this relationship and those friends who have betrayed you and move on.
If you stay with your boyfriend, you are just giving him the green light to cheat on you in the future. Please think logically and realize that your relationship with him stops with you, he has cheated on you and shown you just how much he doesn’t care about your 7 year history together. The sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you start healing from the wounds of this relationship and the sooner you can allow yourself to find a guy who actually respects you and will love you.
Don’t cheat yourself out of finding a guy who will love only you and not cheat on you. Don’t torture yourself by staying in this relationship and allowing yourself to be made a fool of. Be strong and summon all your courage to leave this guy. Move yourself out and especially move him out of your life. It will be hard, but this is the only way for you to go if you want the chance to be happy one day. You will have to suffer through some time of heartache, but when you find the right guy (who is obviously not your boyfriend) it will all be worthwhile.
Always here,
Jasmine
