Dear Jasmine,
I can’t stand my future sister in law. In the past, she has made comments about my weight. I was very thin and she had made hurtful comments about me needing to eat some more. Mind you, she’s morbidly obese (no exaggeration). She has also told me intimate details about her sex life. I think that is sick and what is even sicker is that my fiancé doesn’t see any wrong with this. He thinks we are all adults here and that people should be mature enough to talk about stuff like that. Excuse me? If she wants to talk like that, do it with her girlfriends. Not to your very own brother. That is disgusting. Needless, to say, I am thought of as a prude for feeling this way.
She also thinks that I cheated on her brother, all because of a misunderstanding. She of course told my fiancé and he didn’t confront me right then and there but he tried to trap me in a lie later. After much work trying to convince him that I did not cheat on him, we finally worked things out. He later told me that his sister believes that I am a liar and she has no tolerance for liars because she is in a relationship with a no good man.
She needs to mind her business. Even if she thinks that I am cheating, wouldn’t it be better to go and talk about it with her mother or her friends. Why go to your brother and hurt him all the more by telling him your suspicions? Doesn’t he have enough on his plate thinking that his woman is unfaithful and then his nosy sister gets into the mix?
I also believe that she is secretly jealous of me. Every time her brother says something complimentary about me or something positive, whether it be about my looks, achievements, or what not, she will have some comment about how great she is to make me look bad. I am frankly sick of her. She monopolizes the time that her brother and I spend together. When I am over by his apartment, she will call him and they will be on the phone for hours and I am left there like a loser waiting for him to get off the phone.
When I told him my concerns about her, he sometimes rushes to her defense and I am left feeling like I don’t have a case or my concerns are not valid. I partially blame my fiancé. He just about tells her everything that happens between him and I. So is it any wonder that she gets involved. He makes her get involved by telling her about our arguments, disagreements, etc. I know that they are close and I always wanted a man who was close to his family, but not in this way. I really think some boundaries need to be set. Please tell me, am I being too sensitive? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Did I do anything wrong?
N.A.
New York, NY
Dear N.A.,
After reading through your entire email, I have come to realize that even though you hate your future sister in law, the problem isn’t with her. The problem is your fiancé and the lack of respect he has for your feelings about the whole situation. Yes, his sister is a little bit too nosy and pushy when it comes to your relationship, but it is because she is practically in your relationship since your fiancé spares no details about it to her. Some things need to be kept private in relationships. You need to make it clear to him that you do not want him to divulge so much information to his sister about your relationship or to anyone period. If he cannot do this and respect your feelings and frankly I do not think he is the right guy for you.
As for his sister, if he does decide to respect your feelings and you have to continue to deal with his sister, I suggest that you leave when she starts to talk about her relationship details. You can’t tell her who to tell her problems to but you can choose not to listen to it. It seems that your boyfriend has less respect for you then you realize. It is very rude of him to talk to sister on the phone for hours while you are just waiting around for him. If he is spending time with you, he should let her know and that he will call her back later when he has free time. He should not just leave you in the room for hours talking to her on the phone.
I don’t think his sister did anything wrong in respect to telling her brother that he thought you were cheating on him. She had a valid point to do so as she does not want him to be hurt and if you were truly cheating on him, anyone would want him to dump you or to know about the situation. However, the situation is not his sister but your fiancé. If he cannot respect your wishes and your feelings, then perhaps you really need to access your relationship and figure out if he is the guy for you.
Always here,
Jasmine
