my advice now – need advice?

Dear Jasmine,

I need some advice, and don’t know where to turn. I was in a relationship for 5-6 years, and we broke up 4 and a half years ago. Over the last 4 years I’ve had a boyfriend for 2 years, and dated other guys, but I never fell in love, and was always on the rebound. Basically trying to just forget the love of my life, and trying to experience life as a 20-something year old.

I recently met a guy, and he is the first guy that I have fallen for since my ex! I never thought I’d ever be able to have these feelings again! I haven’t had feelings like this for anyone but my ex, and now this guy! He knows that I was in a 6 year relationship 4 years ago, and here’s the problem: he was in an 8 year relationship from the age of 20, and it just ended about 1 month before I met him.

We are both 29 years old. He mentioned in passing, that she said she said that needed 3 months space to think about things. Although he does act as though it is over for good and he is trying to move on. He never really mentioned her, in fact I talked about my ex more than he did!

It was like he was trying to purposely take it slowly. Anyways, I spent 2 entire weekends with him, and I think he freaked out (as did I a bit) the last time we hung out. I thought he’d never call me after that, but he did text a couple of times and call, and we were going to meet for drinks. He initiated the contact, and even said that he was really keen to go for a drink and dance with me. Then he text one night when we were going to maybe meet up, he cancelled. He said he slept after work and just woke up!

I was a bit drunk, and I text back “the ball’s in your court” and then I never heard back from him! I put too much pressure on him! Anyways, a couple of weeks later I got drunk and kissed his friend on the
Dance floor. I was so depressed after this because I thought that I ruined it! So, I text him and said that I was very sorry, it was very disrespectful of me, and that I was very embarrassed!

I was expecting the worse! But no!!! He wrote back within half an hour and told me that he is glad to have met me! But, that it was just bad timing since he had just gotten out of a 8 year relationship. Then he said “no hard feelings, I just wish that I would’ve been in a better state of mind, and told you from the start, I was a bit lost. You are one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met! Take care”.

I thought that was a beautiful, honest message. I wrote back and told him that I completely understand, and that I thought it would be extremely difficult for him, which is why I left him alone. I told him he was a very kind hearted, sweet person, I gave him my email address and told him to stay in touch from time to time.

I know he needs time, and I want to give it to him. I don’t want to lose contact with him though!! I don’t have an email address for him. What if he changes his number at some point? Also how long do I wait to text him?? How can I initiate a friendship. I can’t stop thinking about him, all the time! I almost wish I had not met him!

My friend told me that it sounds like he likes me, but he is still getting over his ex. He knows that I am special, does not want me to just be a rebound, and that is why he has said the things he said and behaved the way he has. What do you think?? How do I deal with this from here on forward?

I look forward to hearing back from you!
Thank you so much!
Ana
Australia

Dear Ana,

It really sounds like the both of you are trying to handle this situation like mature adults and I applaud you both on it. I do think that this guy may be confused with his previous relationship. The truth is you don’t know just how “over” the relationship is. They could just be taking a break from one another but 8 years is a long time. Even if it was truly over, it would probably take him a considerable amount of time to adjust to it.

For the time being, I would not encourage you to pursue a friendship with him. This would only cause confusion in his life and probably problems with him if he decides to get back with his girlfriend. You don’t want to appear to be trying to break apart their relationship because I know that is the last thing you want to do. I think you need to just give him space to deal with his own things.

Although I know you really like this guy, you can’t reasonably expect him to be ready to date anyone, if he was truly not going back with his ex girlfriend. He will need time to move on and only he can know how much time he needs. You don’t want to get involved with him right now because I think that it may possibly just end up like a rebound relationship. Maintaining contact and a friendship with him will only cause unnecessary drama in your life and I think you could do without it at this point in your life.

Leave it up to him when to contact you but don’t force it upon him. If he calls you, then he does. But if he does, proceed with caution, as I know you have. If he doesn’t call you, changes his number, or whatever, just realize that it is up to him and don’t blame it on him. Don’t wait around for his call either, move on with your life, and realize that the right guy for you is out there and it may not necessarily be this guy.

Always here,
Jasmine