Dear Jasmine,
When I met my husband 10 years ago, he was still in contact with his ex-fiancée so that he could remain active in her daughter’s life. When they broke up he promised to raise her (then 1 year old) as his own daughter (I have been told that he is definitely not her biological father).
Over the years, he has sent money for school clothes, birthday and Christmas presents, and visits at least once a year. Now, the young woman is 17 years old. My husband is secretly sending money and when I discover these payments, I ask him about them and he makes up excuses or lies about them.
I found pictures on the computer of the shocks and windshield and asked my husband what they were for. He told me they were for a slideshow he was working on. This is a lie because they are actually Christmas presents that he has promised her. I discovered this by accessing his account which is how he keeps in touch with her.
He always makes the initial contact and to my knowledge she does not e-mail or call. I have asked him to discuss money or gifts before he sends them to her. I don/t know the technical terms, but I feel like he is having a sort of emotional affair with her because of the way he does things without my knowing. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing because he had promised to raise her as my own daughter.
When he visits her he spends a lot of money on her and her friends. He seems to lose all sense of control and common sense when he is around her. My issue is not so much that he is in contact with her, but I think a limit on Birthday and Christmas gifts and discussing all gifts and contacts with me is not too much to ask.
How can I get past these feelings of betrayal? I love him, but he really hurts me when I find out he is giving her gifts behind my back and is in contact with her without my knowledge. He always leaves the room when he calls and doesn’t always tell me that he has spoken with her.
I have pointed out that I feel betrayed, but he says you can’t have an affair with your daughter. What do we need to do when I feel so hurt and he doesn’t see the problem?
Thank you!
Christine C.
Tampa Bay, FL
Dear Christine,
What you fail to remind him is that even though he promised to raise this girl as his own daughter, she is not his daughter. Therefore, it wouldn’t be an affair with his own daughter. I have to say that your husband’s behavior is despicable.
Even when raising any child in a marriage, both should be consulted in terms of raising this child and any other situations that arises. I would say that this relationship that your husband has with his pretend daughter is rather suspicious.
For him to have to lie, there is more going on then you know. No matter what the situation is, whether it is lying about this or something else, the point is he is lying to you. Is this the kind of guy you want to be with? He does not sound like a trustworthy type of guy and his relationship with his pretend daughter really is quite questionable.
Tell him how you feel and if he refuses to change, I think you should seek some sort of counseling or you will be stuck in a marriage with a liar. That is not way to stay in a marriage and no way for someone to treat someone they are suppose to love. Don’t let your husband push you around in this issue because you are right.
Always here,
Jasmine
