Dear Jasmine,
I have been dating this girl for about 9 months now. We met at work and soon started spending time together with another co-worker. At first, it was truly only friendship; I had no expectations as she had a boyfriend. However, about two weeks after breaking up with her boyfriend of three years we began dating.
There are, however, a few major issues. First, she grew up in a small community where she is actively involved and well-known. She has been in the same area her entire life. Her ex-boyfriend is a farmer in the same area.
Our relationship is/was seen by her as something much different. In the last few weeks, however, she has been offered a permanent position in the place she has been working for the last 2 1/2 years.
Second, I am also very ambitious and have worked really hard to place myself in a good position for numerous job opportunities. We are being forced to make a decision on whether or not are goals are compatible. She wants to stay in the area and I will likely have to move a few states away for a few years until I gain enough job experience to move back.
The problem is compounded by the fact she still maintains a friendship with her ex-boyfriend. This has been the source of tension in our relationship. I tell her to be aware of his motives and she has openly stated she will not quit talking to him. I haven’t asked her to stop talking with him, but I have told her how much I dislike it.
She has also admitted he has tried to sabotage our relationship, but now, according to her, he just wants to be her friend. They continue to talk and, in fact, she ran into him the other night when she went home and went for a ride with him. I am not sure where the line is/can be drawn between appropriate and inappropriate?
She is the type of person where she does not want anyone to dislike her. He is her first love and I can see her struggle with letting him go completely. I am 4 years older than she is and more experienced in relationships and dating. I am frustrated and uncertain what to do?
Your advice will be appreciated.
Jeff
Winfield, KS
Dear Jeff,
Wow, you are much more patient then most people and even myself. I think that when two people get together, there needs to be a mutual respect with each other. Although you did not tell her to stop talking to her ex boyfriend, I think she should be considerate enough to know that she shouldn’t go out of her way to maintain a great friendship with him.
It is common for exes to remain friends but it is up to the person to know their boundaries and where to draw the line. If the friendship with her ex boyfriend is more important then your feelings, then perhaps you need to question your relationship and if you should even be in it.
It sounds like you both are reaching a point in your lives where you are no longer seeing things eye to eye. Perhaps it is time for the both of you to take on the new opportunities you have and see where it takes you. Don’t make a decision on your future because of your relationship with her because it sure sounds like she isn’t.
Always here,
Jasmine
