Dear Jasmine,
I am going through the worst time of my life right now. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years went through my e-mail and found a letter I wrote to my ex about a year ago, which was five months into our relationship. The letter was emotion filled- I said I was still in love with my ex, etc.
The relationship I have with my current boyfriend started right when my relationship with my ex ended- literally within weeks. My boyfriend knew this. Our relationship happened over night, really fast, and I was not cured of the love I had for my ex initially, because we were together for three years and had been through a lot.
My boyfriend and I never got into any emotional conversations about it, I just told him we stopped talking and we did, but he became persistent and he knew my weak spots so I gave in. I told my boyfriend I wasn’t corresponding with my ex for fear he would get mad. I ended up running into my ex and lied about that too.
He found out about both instances, and forgave me. We had a long conversation in which he said he values trust more than anything, and I agreed and promised to never lie again. I valued our relationship too much. Then he went through my e-mails and found this letter.
I can see where he is hurt. I guess I wanted to clear up my feelings and not burden him with them. I have since forgotten completely about my ex. That e-mail was a sort of closure for me. I do not love him at all anymore. I am completely in love with my boyfriend for every reason imaginable.
How can my boyfriend not understand that things have changed? How can he not trust that I am completely in love with him now? I have given him my e-mail password. I leave my phone to charge in a spot in which he can check every night. I have nothing to hide.
I know he loves me. He just asked me to move in on Valentines Day. Now he is telling me things will never be the same, he can’t trust me, etc. I have never cheated on this man, I am guilty of being initially confused. After kicking me out last night, he relaxed and held me all night. Now he is being distant.
He wants his space, and we have been miserable over this.. What do I do?
Ang
New York
Dear Ang,
Why you are surprise that your boyfriend cannot trust you is beyond me. You say you never cheated on him but you did. You emotionally cheated on him when you got with him knowing you still had feelings for your ex boyfriend. He has already forgiven you once for the lies you told him and this e-mail was probably the tip of the iceberg.
I cannot blame him for not trusting you. Your actions have not been done in the best interest of your relationship but rather the best interest of yourself. Even though you claim that you don’t want to burden him with the letter at the time, the truth is that you just didn’t want to tell him because he would probably get upset. And who in their right mind wouldn’t be?
The point is that you should not have been with him if you didn’t feel the closure with your ex boyfriend. If you needed the closure then you probably weren’t committed to your relationship with him, which is unfair to him. Bottom line is, what you did was wrong.
I think that you should just give your boyfriend time to absorb all this information. I mean, he probably had to read a lot of things that he is reliving in his head everyday. If he feels that he can trust you then hopefully you guys can work things out but don’t be surprise if he cannot trust you again.
I wouldn’t force this relationship if he doesn’t trust you anymore because at the end, you will just be hurting each other by staying in the relationship.
Always here,
Jasmine
