Dear Jasmine,
My older sister is controlling in a diplomatic way. We had major problems in the past and I thought we had past it but it is surfacing again. We both are over 30 years old but still fighting over stupid issues like 3 year old. As an older sister, she has been the leader and responsible figure in the family of 6 after the death of my father.
She systematically and lovingly controlled my life while she helped me go to college. I begun to notice it few years ago and started to resent some of the decisions I made under her influence.
The turning point came when she wouldn’t talk to me because I was in contact with one of her so-called “Enemies”(her sister-in-law). I somehow was fed up with the issue and was able to stand up to her. I told her that I refuse to be controlled by her and I didn’t have to choose between her and anybody. She kind of gave up and things came back to sort of normal until now.
Sunday came, my friend had gifts for my sister and her kids so we went and met the kids and my brother-in-law and other guests for few minutes. I had completely forgotten that I had received a warning not to bring my friend over to her house.
She was at work and she calls me on the phone screaming and calling me a traitor who has no family value betraying the family in every way. I told her sorry to have brought my friend to her house but she had no reason to scream at me and talk to me like a child and hung up and left.
I am not allowing her to control me anymore but I want to have a healthy relationship with her. She occasionally serves at a church and I wonder if it is worth going to talk to the pastor? In the past, she had gotten the family against me but now they know the situation better. Please help.
Rahel
Miami, FL
Dear Rahel,
Since your sister has been someone the dominant figure in your life and your families, I am not surprised at her controlling nature. It comes with the territory after you have been in that kind of environment. That, of course, does not excuse her behavior.
I don’t think it is wise for you to go behind her back to do anything. While you cannot control her behavior towards others, you can set up limits to her behavior towards you. Sit her down and let her know that you love her and you have appreciated everything she has done for you since you were young but you are your own person and want to make your own choices, whether they may be mistakes or not and learn from them yourself. Let her know that her opinion matters to you but at the same time you have a mind of your own and sometimes you may not always agree but that doesn’t mean you don’t love her and want to maintain a good relationship with her.
Hopefully that will get through to her and she will begin to realize her behavior and start changing, but don’t expect miracles overnight. These kind of things take time but with your love and support, it can come a long way. Sometimes people just want to know they are being appreciated and it wouldn’t hurt to let her know that her guidance and love throughout the years have been appreciated.
Always here,
Jasmine
