Dear Jasmine,
I am having a strained relationship with my best friend. We have been best friends for almost a year now. Around 6 months back, one of her friend proposed to her. She spoke to me about that and we decided that she would say no to him, as she thought of him only as a friend.
However that guy kept pestering her for 3 months and she had finally said yes to him. I was not aware of this and I was told by one of my friends. I felt cheated as I had asked few times before and she said no. I understand that this is extremely personal but as a best friend I did not feel good that she did not speak truth.
We then had an argument and she didn’t speak to me for a week.
In the meantime I checked about that guy and found that he is a not trustworthy and very dominating. I told her about his earlier affair.Now she says sorry and tries to be in touch with me. I have forgiven her for what happened, but cannot forget the lies. Also she says she realizes that the guy is not good for her but is not taking any concrete steps to resolve.
How should I help her? Has she really changed or is it just an eyewash?
Arun
India
Dear Arun,
It is not what she is lying about that is important, but it is the fact that she lied to you at all. I think that is the point you need to get across. You may come off as being pushy when you are telling her how bad that guy is in order to tell her not to marry him. Perhaps you need to just let her know what you know but not pressure her to make the choice you would make.
Be a friend and let her know your thoughts but that doesn’t mean that she must follow whatever you think is correct. Let her be her own person and make her own mistakes. You shouldn’t make decisions for her, let her make them for herself.
All in all, you need to emphasis to her that its not the fact that she was going to marry that guy and lied about it but it is the fact that she lied at all. You can choose to forgive her or you can move on because you don’t trust her anymore but don’t force her to break up with the guy, let her do things on her own time. All you can do is be a friend to her and help her when she needs you.
Always here,
Jasmine
