my advice now – need advice?

Trying to Forget is Hard

I was with my girlfriend for 2 years until she felt we needed a break almost a year ago. We belong to the same social circle and we have many mutual friends due to our common in sports and social activities. During our shaky break period, she started to see this loser. Although their encounter was innocent at first, it eventually turned out that she cheated on me at the end.

One day while she had decided to get back to me and started out fresh again, I have discovered their bedroom digital pictures on her computer. Heartbroken, I broke up with her immediately. After 4 weeks of struggling, I tried to be civilized with the matter and stay as a not-so-close friend with her (basically forgiving her), she was stupid enough to hurt me time after time with new stunts with her new friend (which she still deny that he is her new boyfriend).

She promised me she will not see him again and she broke her promise countless times. So finally I decided I have to completely disassociate myself from her to ease my pain. It has been 8 months since we broke up now. The problem is that since we are in the same circle, I will still run into her.

I have tried so hard to forget about this pass, this pain, this unworthy person, and yet she keeps popping up in my social event from time to time. How can I ever recover when I cannot forgive her and forget her because she is popping up in my circle/social event once a month like PMS? It is really annoying me and affecting my recovery. How? How can I forget this pain? Why should I hide (and not see her) from my good, fun, social times in our circle while I am not at fault? I just want to get on with my life and forget about this whore forever.

Evan G.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Found a Phone Number
I never expected it would happen to me. I am 40 years old, attractive woman. I loved this man with all my heart. We decided to have a baby together, things were going good, until I lost my job and he just seemed to lost all interest in me for something I could not control. Well to makes matters worse, I found out I was pregnant, 2 months at the time. Things started to change, he would come home late, he would not answer his phone in front of me when it rang and he would laugh on the phone in the other room, when he thought I was sleeping. We would go to bed together, and I would get up to go to the bathroom during the night and he would not be home. He would go out. He would tell me he was not tired. Yeah right.

Things just started to get worse, he would stay out all night, smell of perfume, and deny everything left and right. Well I got to the point that when his mail keep in from his cell phone bill, I opened it up without him knowing, and found numbers and text messages all over his phone bill, the same number. I got the nerve one day and called the number and it was another woman on the other line, I left a message and asked her to call me, she never did. My boyfriend a the time, called me at home and was wondering what I was doing by calling this woman and how I got the number, apparently she called him to tell him I called. I told him I found the number on a piece of paper.

Well after being about 6 months pregnant things were doing well, then out of the blue when I was at work, I got a call from this woman I called and she told me she has been sleeping with my boyfriend the whole time and when he is not home or comes home late, he is with her, I confronted him and again he denied it. I could not take it anymore and I decided to leave. It was the hardest thing for me to do, since I was 6 months pregnant with his child and I loved him with all my heart and soul.

I kept on asking myself what did I do wrong, and you know what, I did nothing wrong. To this day he tells me he is so sorry and wants me and the baby back and if I was weak I probably would have but I am strong and I do not deserve that in my life. I have moved on, the hardest thing I ever did. But I know if I stayed or went back he would have done it again. I just wish I left sooner when I found out, him and this other woman were just laughing behind my back the whole time while I was sitting at home crying, being depressed and being pregnant.

But now I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter that he can never take that away from me. I am hoping in the future when I date again that I can learn to trust a man. He took that away from me, and it hurts. I feel I will always question that other person and ruin my opportunity to love again. But everyday I get stronger and hope to have another chance with a wonderful man. Just remember to listen to your instincts.

Michelle
Wixom, MI

Calling Other Women
My husband has been acting very funny for the past couple of weeks. He doesn’t want to talk and he is always edgy and snappy. He sits around like he is in a daze. He starts arguments, which leads to him leaving the house or sleeping in the living room.

He recently took a trip to New York which is where were from. Out of the norm, he always wants me and our 7 year old son to go with him and this time he simply was adamant about us not going. He did not want us to period. Well that worried me because that was definitely out of the norm. I tried calling him an after he left and he did not answer the phone.

I left him 17 voicemail messages and he never answered. Five hours later I called him again and no answer. Ten minutes later he calls me and tells me that he stopped and fell asleep at a rest stop and that his phone was not charged so that is why he didn’t call me or didn’t pick up the phone.

He was slurring his words with all the indication that he was lying to me. After all 9 years, you know the person your with or you think so. He hangs up the phone really quick no conversation and left it that he had to go because he wanted to hurry and get to New York and return back home.

The next day he does not call me at all. He text messages me. No phone call and no text message nothing for 12 hours and I made no attempts to call him either. He walks in around 2:00am in the morning and with no response to what happened at all. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

He’s tired and he’s surprised that I would even think that something was going on. He simply just wanted to go to New York by himself to pick up his motorcycle and hurry and get back..

I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk to me and just ignored me. I am a good woman and deserve a good man. I don’t need this treatment and I have been a good wife to him for 9 years and I have had enough. I put my paralegal skills to use and researched and did not investigation work. I found out that he was communicating on a daily basis at least 5 times a day with a person at a particular phone number.

I called the number and it was a woman’s voicemail. I was not shocked and I wasn’t exactly hurt at that time I felt betrayed and the same time so happy that all this time he had me thinking I was crazy and now I know it was him and I was right all the time. I called him up on the phone and asked him about the phone number and the person and he suddenly became attentive.

He came to house within 5 minutes and cried and begged and tried to lie that it was nothing and that he never had sex with her and that he only wanted to talk to her. That was all they shared and nothing else. I changed the locks. I wanted him out of my life and our son’s life he was no good and he hurt us beyond any imagination.

This Fool was so upset over the fact that I was no longer weak and in the dark about his deceit and lies by locking him out the house and taking a stand. He blamed me for not giving him enough attention.

My son is taking this all pretty badly. He tells me that he wants to go to counseling. My husband told me that he has no where to go and if he could sleep on the couch and for my son I agreed. He has been here for a week and all he wants is to make it good.

Now all he is trying to do is make nice with me and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel that he is still trying to lie and trick me into getting back with him!

Tonya B.
North Carolina

Caught in the Act

I got married when I was 20 years old, to this guy who I met through my cousin. Everything seemed to be going great the first couple of years until he got a new job. He seemed to be working a lot of late hours and always had some excuse on why he had stuff to do on the weekends. We have one son together and he hardly ever plays with him.

I happened to open up a cell phone bill and notice all these calls from his cell phone to one particular number. I called the number and it turned out to be a girl he was dating for over a year! To top it off she was pregnant with his child. I was so upset that I packed up my bags and me and my son went to my mothers to stay.

I left my husband a message and told him that I was going to file for divorce and that it was over. My husband came over to my mom’s house demanding to know what was going on. I threw the cell phone bill at him and told him I talked to the girl. He said he did not even know who she was and that it was the wrong number he called. He was on the phone with that number for hours!

I told him to get out and that I was going to call the police but he refused to leave. My son started to cry because he could hear all this going on, so finally my husband left. He kept calling and leaving me messages that he loved me and to believe him and not to let our marriage end. He sent me flowers everyday for the next two weeks.

Finally I decided after contacting a lawyer that I may want to work things out with my husband so I went back home to talk to him. When I got home, I found him in bed with my cousin! I was so angry that I started throwing everything I could find at them. I couldn’t believe that my husband and my cousin could do this to me. I grabbed all my things and left.

I have since contacted my lawyer and the paperwork for the divorce is now in process.

Jamie Y.
New York, NY

Locked Out

My boyfriend and I had been together 9 years, which I can say the best years in my life. He told my neighbors, co-worker, family everyone, he could tell, how much he was in love he was with me. Sometimes, I felt embarrassed. Towards the end of the relationship, my ex-husband was dying with cancer and asked if I would take care of him, I told my boyfriend what I was going to do and gave him the number an address where he could reach me and he did we would talk long distance.

During the three months I was gone, once I came back home to see my boyfriend. When we were together I asked him if he had met anyone, he said no. After my ex passed away I came home. Six months later I saw red flags. My boyfriend was cheating.

My instincts were not strong but I felt something. We had keys to each other’s house. We also live around the corner from each other. He called me at work at least 3 times everyday. One day he called to tell me not to go to his house that evening because he was helping a relative move and he would not be home.

That was never a problem, normally I would let myself in and wait for him. I went to his house, later that night. A van was parked in the driveway. His truck was gone. I knocked on the door I could tell someone was in the house but he would not answer the door. I thought about my key and he held the door closed tight from inside, I could not open it from outside.

I stood outside his front door about an hour or more knocking on the door, windows, making noise. I rang the wind chimes. Then I knew he was really cheating. Till this day I cannot get over him breaking my heart. I have major depression, lost my job and take medication. If down deep in your heart you feel there could be a slight chance they are cheating, they are cheating.

I don’t wish a heartbreak like I feel, to my worst enemy. It feels like I am dead but I am alive. I pray that no one out there does this to anybody.

Mer
Phoenix, AZ

No Closure

I was in a relationship for 8 years and engaged for 1 year before I found out that she was cheating on me. I had opened up a new business during the last two years of our relationship and was really busy with work. I started noticing a difference in her during the last year of our relationship. She would not pick up her cell phone when I called her or call me back. Before she would always pick up my call or at least call me back within the hour. Even though I worked a lot I made an effort to at least take her out one night a week for a nice dinner of some sort, and after almost a month of her making up excuses of why she couldn’t go, I got fed up.

We lived together and yet we hardly saw each other. When I get up in the mornings, she is normally still asleep. Often times when I got home, she would be sleeping or out with her friends or over at her moms. One night we were suppose to go out for dinner, she called me a couple of hours before I was suppose to get home and told me she had to go to her moms house to help her with something and may have to stay over. I said that I would come help but she told me it was a girls thing so I said okay. That night I just felt that she was lying to me so I drove up to her moms house, which is about almost 2 hours away to see if she was there.

Of course, she was not there. So sitting in front of her mother’s house, I called her cell phone but she did not pick up. I left a message that it was urgent and for her to call me back. She eventually called me back and I asked her where she was. She said she and her mom were getting ready to go to bed. I told her that I knew she was lying and that she wasn’t even at her mothers house because I was right outside. She started screaming and yelling at me on the phone before she hung up.

I was really distraught and after awhile I knocked on her mother’s door and she let me in. I told her about what happened and she was shocked. She knew nothing about what was going on and she was very upset about it also. I was so tired so I ended up sleeping there. I left in the morning and when I got home, she still hasn’t come back yet. I called her and left her a message that if she wanted to talk to me about what was going on to call me back otherwise I would pack up her stuff and leave it at her mothers. She never called so I packed up her things, changed the locks and took all her things to her mother’s house and haven’t talk to her since.

It has been pretty hard on me since I really didn’t get any closure from her but I heard that she is dating someone now, probably the same guy she was cheating on me with. After 8 years, it is hard to pick up your life without that person and I was depress for a long time after but now I am slowly starting to enjoy my life again.

Jeff M.
San Francisco, CA

Boyfriend Cheated with Friend

I have been dating this guy for about 5 months when we decided to move in together. At first everything was great. I would get home from work before him and make dinner and when he got home, we would have a nice dinner. Then we would watch some movie or just relax together. Weekends were usually filled with things to do, errands to run and so forth. After about two months, he started to call and say he wouldn’t be home for dinner or that he had to work late.

It wasn’t so strange at first, but after a few weeks of it, I got suspicious. He would come home really late and sometimes he would smell like alcohol. Then one night he said he was going to stay at work late so I said okay. I then went over to his work and called him. He was not at work so when he answered I asked him where he was. He told me he was at work, but I told him I was at his work and they said he wasn’t there. He asked me what I was doing so I just told him I wanted to bring him some dinner. He freaked out and said that he had to run a quick errand and was going back to work.

I asked him why he would go back when the office is already closed for the day and he said that he had paperwork to finish up. I told him I would wait at the office for him to get back from his errand so I could give him dinner. He said for me to go home but I told him I was not going to go home and I would wait until he got back there. He was really angry and hung up on me. After about an hour, I left and went home. I didn’t know what to do about the whole situation.

I decided to that I wanted to talk to my friend about it so I drove to her house to see if she was home since she lived nearby. Before I even got to her house, I could see that my boyfriend’s car was parked on her driveway. I parked my car and my head was spinning. I was so angry that I went in through the back because I know she often leaves the door unlocked. It turned out they were having a romantic dinner in the backyard! I got so angry and started throwing anything that I could see. My boyfriend was yelling and screaming at me and my friend ran into the house and locked the doors.

She ended up calling the police and I got escorted off the property. After the police followed me home in my car and warned me not to go back there, I threw everything that my boyfriend owned on the street. I also went to buy a deadbolt so my boyfriend could not get back into the house. I have since then not talk to my friend or my boyfriend and have found a new apartment far away from the both of them.

Yolanda M.
Houston, TX

Boyfriend Cheated with His Best Friend

I was 16 years old and my boyfriend and I went to different high schools. One
day I decided to pick up my best friend and take him to his girlfriend, who went to
the same school as my boyfriend.

After I go to the high school and walked into the area where all the students were hanging out at, I started to look for my boyfriend, while my friend looked for his girlfriend. Their high school were having a celebration for the whole school, so we wanted to surprise our partners by showing up. As we walked in, I saw that they were barbecueing, and my boyfriend was standing under an umbrella with this girl. This particular girl was supposedly his best friend. They were holding each other under the umbrella, and I knew that they were messing around, but that was the final straw. I walked out of the school and never came back again.

T
Guam

Cheating with the Boss

I was with my girlfriend for about 3 years and we decided to move out of state. Once we settled down, she started looking for a job. She found this job at some office working as the receptionist. Things were going good for a while and she started coming home 1 hour later and it would continue until it got to almost 5 hours. She would always make up some excuse like she is working late because of something her boss is making her do.

I started to get even more suspicious when I would call her at work and she did not pick up the phone. When I asked for her, they said she was out to lunch. Every single time I would call they would tell me that so I got fed up. I confronted her but she denied it and got mad at me and packed up her things and left. I called her cell phone but she would not pick up. After a couple of days I got pretty worried so I went to her work place after work.

I saw her holding hands with her boss! They were getting into his car after work. I was so outraged that I started yelling and chasing after the car. He got out of the car and we got into a fight. She tried to pull us apart and he threatens to have the cops arrest me because I was on private property. I have never in my life been so mad at someone that I loved so much. That had to be one of the worse days of my life.

After going back there a couple of more times, I got warned by the police that I would get arrested if I ever go back. My friend knocked some sense into me and told me she was not worth getting arrested over. I guess I was just so crazy mad that I didn’t see it. Sad thing is that I still care for her, but I learned my lesson and will never get back together with her.

Jermy
Houston, TX

Cheating on Wife

I felt dumb, angry, vengeful because I was dating this guy for nearly two years. He had his own place and had introduced me to his children. He would tell me all the right things until one day.

I worked for the same contracting company he did, different location. I invited him to go to the annual BBQ at the owner’s home. He declined saying he was embarrassed to show up because he wasn’t issued an invite. No problem, I would take my child. A few days later he tells me he got his invite, but he would be bringing someone else.

HUH??

His first wife! Oh, and please don’t make a scene, she didn't know he was dating me and his second divorce wasn’t final, or even begun. I was so stunned I just hung up the phone.

I had a million questions, and wondered how I hadn’t known any of this. I didn’t even have a CLUE. Yuck, he had all three of us??

At the BBQ he did bring her. She was really nice and as oblivious as me. When he approached me, I told him to get away from me now or I will tell her everything.

He tried to hold my elbow and talk with a smile, but I yanked away and made a bee line for my kid, who was several feet away from wife number 1. I asked one of the older kids to take my child swimming. When I turned around Mr. not-who-I-thought-he-was and wife number 1 were very far away.

I told one of my dearest friends what was going on and how I was feeling paralyzed, dumb, angry. She gave me the best insight. He is not the man you fell in love with. He is not the man you thought he was. The best thing to do is walk away, never look back.

Don’t have a conversation with him. Ever. It will drive him nuts. I stayed very close to this wise lady, waited until my child was done swimming and had some food and left.

Everything she said was true. It gave me the light at the end of the tunnel. Mr. wrong was very persistent about trying to see me until three things happened.
1. I told him to leave me alone. Being around him was unhealthy and I don’t allow toxic waste into my life.
2. He was so persistent in trying to speak to me at work, upper management told him to stop finding excuses to come to my site.
3. He sent offensive literature, dirty jokes, to my work email – guess what, they monitor it and he was laid off.

My only regret is that I didn’t warn wife 1 that he hadn’t changed. He was still a selfish, untrustworthy, manipulative and always will be.

Of course I didn’t trust men, or my own judgment of men for some time. I out grew that. It was painful and I don’t know what lesson(s) I was supposed to learn. I learned many.

There are happy endings. I found someone responsible, single, kind, sexy and he feels the same about me. We are getting married next April in Yosemite.

Vicki J.
Simi Valley, CA

Husband Cheated with Assistant/Baby-sitter

My husband (at the time) supervised at this office. I started noticing he was coming home a lot later then usual after he got an assistant, which threw me off because I thought that if he got an assistant that would mean he would be home more often. His assistant started to help baby sit my children when my husband was home but doing work. I thought something strange was going on so I started asking my children what they would do when the baby sitter was over.

That is when I found out that my children told me that she was always in the room working with their dad. I didn’t have any solid proof so I decided that I would come home early one day to see if I can catch anything. And of course I did. I came home and she was in our bedroom undressing with the doors unlocked! I was furious! Any of my kids could have walked in.

I told her to get dress and get out of my house and I told my husband to pack up his things and leave. He begged and pleaded with me but I refused. I had enough of this nonsense. No one was going to come into my home and disrespect me. He kept trying to come home after and I got a restraining order against him. The divorce was finalize a few months ago and although it still hurts, I am better off without him.

Mary T.
Phoenix, AZ